I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
