cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
