the condom got lost in my hair
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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