so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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