Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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