I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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