please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
