I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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