every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I checked into jail on foursquare
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
