I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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