Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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