dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
