this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.