Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
