I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
