I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
