im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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