i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
