When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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