You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
