Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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