yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
