I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
