Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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