Plan B is the new Plan A
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
