Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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