They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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