I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
