i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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