glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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