so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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