plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
