Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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