either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
