oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
