I checked into jail on foursquare
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
