It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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