It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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