So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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