Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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