So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i now understand why vodka
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
