can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
