I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
