you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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