So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
