I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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