People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
