Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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