no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
