I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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