I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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