Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
