If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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