peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
