if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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