every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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