i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
