i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
